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Dear Shame,

I am writing this letter to tell you that it is time to pry your sharp claws out of my brain and sever this unhealthy relationship between you and I. In the past, when I have tried to move away from you, those claws only dug in and caused pain. It was less painful to let you stay. But I am strong now and prepared to endure the pain that it will take to remove you from life. You have been lying to me for all these years, telling me I was less than good enough in so many ways–that I was so flawed, undeserving of happiness, love or peace. Yes, you are the consummate LIAR!!!! I never understood how much of a role you played in shaping my self image.

It will not be easy to kick you out of my brain. From a very young age through today, I have been immersed in a culture of shame. My mother, my father’s mother, kids at school, my husband and other family members succeeded over and over at making me feel unworthy and small. I was not validated when I made my own decisions, disagreed or tried be my own person. I was constantly judged and told that what I did was not right or never enough. It was always my fault. My feelings were never validated, considered or at times, even acknowledged. That pervasive feeling of inferiority is still such an indelible part of my psyche.

Here’s how you have negatively impacted my life. Because of you, my decision making has been affected because I do not have confidence in my decisions. If I make a mistake, I am a bad. So I avoid decisions or overthink to obsession. Because of you, I am uncomfortable in social situations, always worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing. If I say the wrong thing, I will certainly be looked at as a bad person. Because of you I am a people pleaser searching for acceptance and appreciation. Because of you, I continually set impossible expectations for myself, drive myself to overachieve and beat myself up if I don’t completely succeed. Because of you, I have trouble standing up for myself because I am afraid of rejection or failure. Because of you, SHAME, I have never really fully given or received love. I guess, in my subconscious mind, I haven’t felt as though I was good enough to give it or receive it. Because of you, my self talk continues to be harsh, unreasonable and unforgiving. Because of you, SHAME, I have harbored a simmering, low level of anger for most of my life. On the outside I was smiling and accommodating. On the inside I was angry at myself for being flawed and imperfect and angry at others for how they treated me. And sadly, because of you, I too learned how to shame others and have used it at times as a tool to hurt others.

SHAME, I am taking a stand. I am now VERY aware of what you are and how deceitful you have been all these years. I am aware of your negative impact on my life. I am angry with you and how much I have missed out on in my life because of you. It’s time for a change. From here on in, I will work hard to change my self talk and NOT believe what you are telling me about myself. I will work to use gentle language to forgive myself, treat myself with kindness, consideration and respect. I will work hard to reinforce the idea that being a flawed human being does not mean I am innately bad. Yes, I am flawed but there’s no one on Earth that isn’t and that’s O.K! All I can do is be the best I can be. And that is good enough. I deserve to feel good about myself… because I am a good person!

So… SHAME, your days of residence inside my head are numbered. Those claws will be pried out one at a time. I have to say again…it will not be easy. You’ve been with me for so many years… as far back as I can remember! But talking about you and shedding light on you is what makes you leave. I have started that process TODAY!

Adios SHAME! You will not be missed!
Anonymous I&A Client

The Charles Schulz Philosophy

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip.

You don’t have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder on them. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you’ll get the point…

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one…

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most.

Believe it or not, you can be both…right and happy. Ask yourself, what is my attachment to being right? What makes it so important that I would sacrifice my relationship for it? If you have “right” what do you really have? You may have white knuckles and sore fingers from digging in and a relationship that is fractured or even broken. Does that make you happy? So, it seems that being right does not really make you happy because of the pain it causes in other areas of your life. Basically, the need to be right is really the need to be in control. Control is an illusion. The only thing we really have control of is our self…our thoughts, attitudes and actions.

When I talk about “happy”, I’m not talking about the jumping-up-and-down kind, but the kind I’ll call contentment. Peaceful, rich, full relationships and acceptance of life experiences that stay “mole hills” and are not made into mountains. Learning to accept rather than to control (or try to control) is a life-changing skill. It is said that the experience is the best teacher…however, I assert that it is the evaluated experience from which we learn. Take a moment to reflect on a situation in which you were accepting about something or someone and how that experience led to a better more effective outcome than being right. Reflect on how the relationship involved in that experience stayed intact and/or grew closer. When you evaluate that experience, how were you able to accept and let go of your need to control? What was the priority in that situation and how can you capitalize on your part in the process next time…and the next time…and the next time?

Someone who can accept being wrong, or let the other person be right, or, be right without having to change the other person’s mind, is the emotionally intelligent and mature person. You can “right” yourself right out of a relationship, a job, a promotion….Insisting on being right (being a controlling person) is also damaging to you. Seldom do you achieve the most profitable outcome and often cause yourself regret.

We want to be right AT each other…we need to be right WITH each other.

Next time you’re in a situation to choose right or happy, make it a win-win situation by accepting the other person’s right to his opinion and making the relationship the priority. Make “we” more important than “me”.

Christmas has come and gone and the New Year is here. Many people use this as the jumping off point for resolutions for more exercise and less food. More relaxation and less work…more time for relationships and less time spent checking off the “to do list”. What is the promise you have made for self-improvement in this New Year? Will you keep your promise? Have you told anyone about it so they can help you to be accountable? Why do you need to do (or not do) the thing you are committing to?

As author, John Ortberg, says, “If you want to walk on water, you’ve got to get out of the boat”. The foundation for that statement is Peter, the disciple who asked Jesus to prove Himself by having Peter walk on the water. Some consider Peter a failure because he didn’t stay on top of the water. But, Ortberg asks a great question…what about the disciples who stayed in the boat. Does anyone give them a second thought? Do you ever hear sermons about those guys?

This New Year, maybe you should ask yourself if you would like to be more like Peter or more the like the guys in the boat. Would you rather be a leader who dares to take risks or a complacent, mediocre, “safe” person?

In my practice I often see people who live their lives in the shadow of fear.

The “what if’s” of life that are typically negative in nature. What if I don’t get the job…what if I don’t get the promotion…what if this is not the right marriage partner…what if I make all of these changes and I am still lonely in my relationship…what if I try to communicate and people don’t listen…what if I give my teen a little slack and he takes advantage of it….what if…what if…what if. These people are depressed, miserable, and fearful. They struggle through their lives without joy and without personal growth and maturity. Facing our fears is success. Who doesn’t want to be successful? Who wants to be negative and glum? No one has ever come into my therapy office and had misery and pessimism as a goal. Everyone wants to be content. Everyone wants to have joy.

I believe that Peter is a great example of the positive what if’s and a great example of pro-actively owning his convictions and taking hold of his own responsibility for success. He said what if I CAN walk on water? What if I DO succeed in taking this risk?

This year, why not Believe the Best rather than to Assume the Worst? Face your fears and ask yourself, what if I DO succeed? What if the changes I am committing to ARE going to bring me joy and peace? What if I DO feel better because of the activities I have decided to adopt? What if they DO become part of my life? What if I DON’T quit?

We all wait until New Year’s or “Monday” to start something new or turn over a new leaf. Why put off success or joy or contentment? Start NOW. Because, you know, if you want to walk on water…you have to get out of the boat.