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• What does it mean to be empowered?

• What keeps you from feeling empowered?

• How do others seem to be so self-confident?

• What will it take for you to be a strong decision-maker?

• What is the secret to becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling your life and a commitment to contentment?

Anxiety, depression, angst, and fear are among the feelings of those who feel less than empowered.  But those with a high degree of autonomy and self-determination who use those qualities to enable themselves to represent their interests in a self–determined way are listed among those who are empowered.

Empowerment is an attitude of strength. It means leaning into an issue or circumstance that may otherwise be cause for anxiety.   When faced with a negative circumstance, to be empowered means to have the confidence that you can overcome.  Part of this belief is looking at your history.  Most people that come into my office have just such a history.  Though they see life through negative lenses, when I urge them to look at their track record, they can see that though they have had fear, they have leaned into it to gain victory over each circumstance.

A sense of empowerment offers a sense of freedom.  When we are empowered, we are free to embrace the challenges set before us.  We are free to seek support, engage resources, be vulnerable, and experience victory. We are free to have interdependent and healthy relationships.

Case in point:  Several years ago, I had a celebrity client whose profession required he often fly domestically and internationally. He came to me because of his extreme anxiety.  As he explained his plight it was clear that his anxiety was not a fear of flying, but was coming from his sense of lack of control. He explained that his anxiety showed up when the flight attendant was giving instructions about seat belts, tray tables, etc. The answer to his problem was an easy fix. He empowered himself to complete all of the pre-flight passenger requirements BEFORE he was told to do so.

Take a look at what you are able to control…and what you aren’t.  Make decisions for yourself that are within your control rather than fretting and fighting over things that are not.  In another example, I was at my son’s soccer game some years ago.  I was seated on the bleachers and ready for the game to start.  Then, a woman came and sat right in front of me with an open umbrella.  What did I have control over?  In my mind I had 2 choices:  ask her to close her umbrella (which I had no control over) or choose another seat for myself (which I did have control over).

So, I moved my seat.  You may think that I acquiesced.  Perhaps.  But another person who was also blocked by the umbrella sat there and hurled insults at the woman.  That person was not able to enjoy the game and used up a lot of energy being angry.

Empowerment is yours; next time you feel you have no power, look at where you have control and where you don’t before you choose to act.

In this current COVID-19 environment, we must have strong and powerful principles for navigating through the crisis.

What we are witnessing can be seen as panic when people begin to forget their fellow man, the community, and begin to hoard the supplies that we all need.  That is just one red flag that should spark the 5 principles below:

1. Do No Harm – this is a principle of restraint. Stay home for now, if you can, follow the governmental guidelines and those of your company as well. Keep safety in mind while not panicking and creating anxiety for yourself and others.
2. Make things Better – Rally together to address the unmet developing needs of those around you. Ask yourself, what am I doing to make things better for others during this crisis?  How might this turn out to be beneficial and make a positive difference in my world?  For example, I have had clients and friends be on the “lookout” for products for others in need.
3. Respect Others – With your co-workers, family, and friends, keep your promises, tell the truth and project confidentiality. Be kind.  Case in point:  Just this morning I was at a local grocery (looking for TP for the office) and as I was asking the cashier about delivery of TP the man behind me just interrupted giving his phone number to the cashier.  Not only was that rude, but completely unhelpful in this climate.  We can at least be kind and respectful of those around us.
4. Learn from it – What can be learned from this challenging time? What have you learned about yourself…about those around you?  What attitudes are you spotting?  Are you responding or reacting to the situation?  How can you be more prepared (emotionally) for the next challenge life throws at you?
5. Strengthen your Faith – Take a look at where you place your faith. For example, if it is in the stock market or your employment, just look at how quickly that can change. What can you have faith in that will strengthen your resolve and increase your resiliency?  What are you top 3 values and what is your plan to preserve them curing a crisis?

The bottom line in finding peace during a crisis or any challenging time is to know yourself.  What drives you, what are your strengths and from where –or whom- do you draw that strength?  To use a euphemism from one of my clients, where are you being a “non-grownup” and how will you, instead, lean into the situation with confidence, respect for others, do no harm, make things better and strengthening your faith?

Why is it so hard to apologize?  Why is it so hard to accept and acknowledge responsibility for our words or actions?  It takes an emotionally mature and stable person to do just that.  To admit wrong, stop blaming circumstances or others and just own our “stuff”.

Professor emeritus, Roy Lewicki, of Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business writes that there are 6 components to a good apology:

• Expression of regret
• Explanation of what went wrong
• Acknowledgment of responsibility
• Declaration of repentance
• Offer of repair and
• Request for forgiveness

The more of them that you include, the better your odds of mending or preserving a relationship.

What most people are looking for in an apology is really two things; acknowledgement of responsibility and offer of repair.  The person who can sincerely offer these things is a person who can be trusted.  When people cannot admit wrong they show themselves to be emotionally stunted.  Though we are all broken or wounded in some way, being transparent in our woundedness draws others to us.  For sure, it takes courage to apologize but it augments solid, intimate, real friendships.

Lewicki reminds us that we are so used to hearing political doublespeak that too many words gets in the way of the message of the apology.  As an example, the phrase “I’m sorry if someone was offended by what I said/did” is empty of responsibility and shows neither empathy nor sincerity.

The moral?  As soon as you realize that you’ve hurt someone, apologize sincerely and quickly.  Don’t allow time for the offended party to stew about it making your apology and their ability to accept it less effective.  Clearly own what you did or said, show sincere remorse, ask for forgiveness and offer reparation.

The Charles Schulz Philosophy

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip.

You don’t have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder on them. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you’ll get the point…

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one…

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most.

Believe it or not, you can be both…right and happy. Ask yourself, what is my attachment to being right? What makes it so important that I would sacrifice my relationship for it? If you have “right” what do you really have? You may have white knuckles and sore fingers from digging in and a relationship that is fractured or even broken. Does that make you happy? So, it seems that being right does not really make you happy because of the pain it causes in other areas of your life. Basically, the need to be right is really the need to be in control. Control is an illusion. The only thing we really have control of is our self…our thoughts, attitudes and actions.

When I talk about “happy”, I’m not talking about the jumping-up-and-down kind, but the kind I’ll call contentment. Peaceful, rich, full relationships and acceptance of life experiences that stay “mole hills” and are not made into mountains. Learning to accept rather than to control (or try to control) is a life-changing skill. It is said that the experience is the best teacher…however, I assert that it is the evaluated experience from which we learn. Take a moment to reflect on a situation in which you were accepting about something or someone and how that experience led to a better more effective outcome than being right. Reflect on how the relationship involved in that experience stayed intact and/or grew closer. When you evaluate that experience, how were you able to accept and let go of your need to control? What was the priority in that situation and how can you capitalize on your part in the process next time…and the next time…and the next time?

Someone who can accept being wrong, or let the other person be right, or, be right without having to change the other person’s mind, is the emotionally intelligent and mature person. You can “right” yourself right out of a relationship, a job, a promotion….Insisting on being right (being a controlling person) is also damaging to you. Seldom do you achieve the most profitable outcome and often cause yourself regret.

We want to be right AT each other…we need to be right WITH each other.

Next time you’re in a situation to choose right or happy, make it a win-win situation by accepting the other person’s right to his opinion and making the relationship the priority. Make “we” more important than “me”.