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Many of the clients we have been treating actually claimed to enjoy the quarantine…at first.  So many drawers and garages and filing cabinets were being organized.  Rooms were being painted and patios pressure washed. Books were being read and movies watched.  At first it was fun to experience family in an unhurried way; family dinners, walks, bike rides, board games.  And then, the fun became less and irritability and bored kids ran rampant. People began to lose interest in daily activities, become lethargic, unmotivated and just have an overall sense of malaise.

People became uncertain, anxious, depressed and irritable and began indulging in mindless activities.  Feelings of loneliness and fatigue and reduced intellectual functioning emerged with a vengeance. Thus they began indulging in self-soothing behaviors such as eating and drinking too much, drugging too much, sleeping too much, and “blue screening” too much. Some have put on the “COVID 20” blaming the closing of the gyms. This leaves people accepting these behaviors and feelings as something natural that comes with quarantine. Not so!

The question is what are you going to do about it? Recognizing it is step one.  Recognize that you’ve allowed yourself to believe the myth that you have no control.  Reframe the situation into a positive one in which you have power.  You have the power to exercise, to eat well, to turn off the blue screens, to socialize as is permissible with friends and family, and to get back outside on your bikes and walks.  Attend virtual meetings, take that class you’ve always wanted to take.  Stimulate your mind and avoid the COVID brain fog.  Though some believe that COVID-19 and the resultant quarantine lethargy has lowered their IQ that too is a myth. But you can do it to yourself if you don’t take control.

Get into a routine.  Get out of bed, brush your teeth, shower, eat well and stimulate your mind by learning something new every day. Get outside and get some vitamin D. Try meditation or yoga.  Join a blog. Accomplish a task or take on a project.  Learn to craft.

Take your power back and practice self-care!

Believe it or not, you can be both…right and happy. Ask yourself, what is my attachment to being right? What makes it so important that I would sacrifice my relationship for it? If you have “right” what do you really have? You may have white knuckles and sore fingers from digging in and a relationship that is fractured or even broken. Does that make you happy? So, it seems that being right does not really make you happy because of the pain it causes in other areas of your life. Basically, the need to be right is really the need to be in control. Control is an illusion. The only thing we really have control of is our self…our thoughts, attitudes and actions.

When I talk about “happy”, I’m not talking about the jumping-up-and-down kind, but the kind I’ll call contentment. Peaceful, rich, full relationships and acceptance of life experiences that stay “mole hills” and are not made into mountains. Learning to accept rather than to control (or try to control) is a life-changing skill. It is said that the experience is the best teacher…however, I assert that it is the evaluated experience from which we learn. Take a moment to reflect on a situation in which you were accepting about something or someone and how that experience led to a better more effective outcome than being right. Reflect on how the relationship involved in that experience stayed intact and/or grew closer. When you evaluate that experience, how were you able to accept and let go of your need to control? What was the priority in that situation and how can you capitalize on your part in the process next time…and the next time…and the next time?

Someone who can accept being wrong, or let the other person be right, or, be right without having to change the other person’s mind, is the emotionally intelligent and mature person. You can “right” yourself right out of a relationship, a job, a promotion….Insisting on being right (being a controlling person) is also damaging to you. Seldom do you achieve the most profitable outcome and often cause yourself regret.

We want to be right AT each other…we need to be right WITH each other.

Next time you’re in a situation to choose right or happy, make it a win-win situation by accepting the other person’s right to his opinion and making the relationship the priority. Make “we” more important than “me”.

I have recently (since school has been out) had an influx of parents in despair over the fact that their adolescents are of the opinion that the purpose of summer break is for them to relax and catch up on their sleep. Doing chores or helping with other family and household things is an absolute imposition. Unthinkable! However, making sure that the adolescent is transported wherever he wants to go with money in his pocket is expected. The give-and-take is seriously absent from his mind.

Remember that you are raising adults…not children. Teaching your children responsibility includes teaching them self-control and self discipline. They will quickly find that there is time in the day to accomplish all that they want to AND help with chores. A sense of entitlement is a detriment to our children. It keeps them from having a healthy self-concept, solid relationships, and being participating members of society. It enhances their sense of slothfulness (one of the seven deadly sins) and diminishes their feeling of accomplishment.

Children need praise and recognition; therefore, they need to accomplish something to be recognized for. Don’t let a sports camp or the like take the place of their familial responsibility. I had a teen in the office recently who insisted that she needed to “rest” and therefore, could not help with family chores the week before a sports camp. The sad thing is that she really believed this was appropriate thinking and behavior. She did not see the disrespect toward her parents that was knitted into this type of thinking. Instilling a sense of gratitude in a child begins with responsibility….not entitlement. In fact, entitlement teaches them to take without giving and to have unrealistic expectations. These unrealistic expectations follow the child into adulthood often resulting in depression; anxiety and a sense of failure. These feelings can often lead to substance abuse; a way of escape.

Help your child to feel and express gratefulness for all you do for them. Teach them to show their gratitude by giving back through service to family and others and kind words of respect.

They’ve graduated from high school and you’ve sent them off to college. They are educated beyond their years and have now entered into the real adult world.

They find that like many others in their shoes, they are certifiably credentialed with a degree of some sort and they are now an expert in some field they have chosen for a career….and there are very few places that are hiring. So, there you have it. Educated, young adults, on their own for at least four years, and now they need to come back home.

What do you do?

Like most parents, you want to help out. You desire success both emotionally and financially for your adult child. He wants to come back home. The arrangement looks good on the outside but there are risks to consider before you decide if that is best for you and for your adult child.

The “boomerang” adult child (as they are called) may impact your plans and impact your financial future. Parents may even begin to enable their adult child by paying off loans, taking over car payments or insurance payments and the like. What about common courtesy issues such as curfews and use of household things?

To facilitate success for the boomerang adult child and the parents here are some things that will help.

• Have a family meeting – Prior to the adult child moving back home be sure to sit down and discuss living arrangements. Why is your adult child coming back home? Be sure there is a clear goal for both of you.
• Discuss and write down expectations – What chores will be expected and what common courtesies (such as curfews and friends in the house, if he will be home for dinner, etc.)?
• No one lives for free – Be sure to charge rent –however minimal- so that your adult child will learn how to be a responsible adult and how to live on his own. You may choose to have your adult child pay or share in payments for other things as well. Be prepared…you may get some push back about this.
• Set clear time lines – How long will your adult child be allowed to live with you? How long can he live with you without a job of some kind (though not in his career field)?
• Be faithful to your agreement – Keeping promises helps ensure respect on both sides. It keeps resentment at bay and offers emotional security for everyone. Don’t promise more than you can deliver….either one of you. Be realistic and be ready to compromise.
• Keep clear and open lines of communication – Make time to talk about how things are going and what changes need to be made so that both you and your adult child adapt as you live together and prepare for him to live independently.

If you see fit, help your adult child as he embarks on the world, but don’t enable him. Always send the message to your adult child that he is capable of living life apart from your safety net and can do it on his own.